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I wish there was an even lazier way than social media to wish you a happy birthday.
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May you finally get proper health care for the exhaustion you endured trying to read an entire...
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The world would be a much simpler place if Chris Brown would just start punching himself in the...
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Sorry most of your birthday wishes on Facebook only contain one exclamation point.
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You remind me of the breathtakingly hot male strippers in Magic Mike in that you also have a...
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8 more of the most entertaining, obnoxious, or completely insane notes written to neighbors.
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Monday is my favorite day of the week to not be asked how my weekend was.
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I appreciate you for being funny, kind and never ditching me in a bar unless the guy is really,...
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Facebook has officially become as creepy, annoying, and inappropriate as most Facebook users.
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Sorry the strippers at your bachelorette party will be twice as old and one-tenth as attractive...
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May your July 4th fireworks cause less personal injury than your July 4th alcohol consumption.
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I wish my unoriginal ideas were half as successful as the new Spiderman movie.
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Congratulations to our nation on being mere decades behind other developed countries.
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The worst part about Twitter being down is not being able to tweet mediocre jokes about Twitter...
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The government may force me to have health insurance but they can never force me to respect my body.
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I hope Obamacare helps extend the life of everyone except people on Facebook commenting on...
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My dream is to someday be paid $10 million to not host a morning talk show.
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I hope twenty minutes of watching fireworks is worth the three hours it takes to find parking to...
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Before you tell me what I did wrong, you should first know that I don
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The most exciting part of my summer has been sitting around waiting for Breaking Bad to start.
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Dad, thanks for teaching me how to ride a bike without the use of performance-enhancing drugs.
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Dad, I promise to one day give you grandchildren who annoy me as much as I annoyed you.
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I appreciate you for your kindness, sense of humor, and ability to get creeps to leave us alone.
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Wanting to see Tom Cruise shirtless in a remake of a Broadway musical during Gay Pride Month doesn
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Dad, thanks for making slightly better fashion choices than the guys in Rock of Ages.
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May your vibrator be fully charged upon your arrival home from seeing Magic Mike.
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I hope your vacation is everything the professional photos of models in exotic locations promise it
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A vacation is a great way to recuperate from planning a vacation.
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Dad, thanks for giving me just enough emotional baggage to be in a creative field but not enough...
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Congratulations to the Miami Heat and their fans on winning 1/8th of the championships LeBron...
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I promise to respect your special dietary needs at my barbecue if you promise not to talk about...
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7 new unintentionally inappropriate test answers from young children.
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Just a reminder that fireworks look even more amazing when you
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